


<beer emoji>

by pdorkaa



Category: Naruto
Genre: Alcohol, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Based on a Tumblr Post, Crack Treated Seriously, Drinking, Gen, Headcanon, Partying, So many tags
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-18
Updated: 2018-10-18
Packaged: 2019-08-02 12:36:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,146
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16305356
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pdorkaa/pseuds/pdorkaa
Summary: Naruto lights a trashcan on fire, Lee realises Jet Li isn't exactly party-appropriate and Sakura really shouldn't punch her fists clean through solid objects, but in all, the party's not that much of a disaster.Well - Mikoto's lilies would probably say the party is a disaster, but alas, they don't survive the night.





	

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Cry_Kitty](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Cry_Kitty/gifts).



> because it was her that started me on this roll two years ago with a drunk!Neji headcanon.  
> based on [this](https://pdorkaa.tumblr.com/post/158974567573/naruto-x-alcohol-headcanons) tumblr post of mine.
> 
> also, this more or less goes without saying, everyone is of age. this is, like, a frat party. or something. adult characters are... grad students? idk, don't ask me

The house is big, on the outskirts of the bustling metropolis of Konoha, with a gravel driveway and a finely manicured lawn.

It is rare that there is a party at the Uchiha Mansion, but here they are - Mikoto and Fugaku are out of town, and Sasuke has learnt a long time ago that there is no arguing with the force of nature that is one Uzumaki Naruto. So here they are.

Sasuke's mostly given up on shooting impressively intimidating glances at everyone that's endangered the vases, the rugs or the kitchenware. It's Naruto's party. Sasuke really should know better.

Plus, Sasuke's comfortably tipsy, and he finds it less and less dangerous to let Naruto sway all over the party, hugging everyone that comes into his field of vision - Sasuke's just glad he's managed to avoid it tonight, because one too many beers have his blond friend giving smoochy cheek kisses to the recipients (or victims) of his bear-hugs.

Sasuke fights the urge to pinch the bridge of his nose, manages it only just. He opts to take a hearty sip of his rosé instead, and turns away from where Naruto is yelling to find someone to have a conversation with.

 

Sakura and Tenten have apparently commandeered the spacious kitchen, with Sakura perched atop the counter, massaging what appear to be bruised knuckles. Tenten is toying with one of Mikoto's frighteningly sharp kitchen knives with a besotted look on her face as she explains to Sakura the possible applications in hand-to-hand.

Sasuke's sure there's some poor soul nursing a broken nose somewhere, and he can't fight a haughty smirk. You try chatting up Sakura with a shitty pick-up line, you suffer the consequences. It usually doesn't get physical until she hears a blatantly sexist comment, after all, so Sasuke's more or less certain that the guy - whomever and wherever he is - deserved it. Nevertheless, he doesn't stick around to see Tenten prove she can juggle those knives, because his stomach can only bear so much after almost an entire bottle of rosé.

Sai, much to his surprise, is currently engaged in conversation with Shikamaru, listening with a rosy blush on his face to whatever Shikamaru's saying. Sai is usually horrible with people - something about being too sheltered when growing up - so Sasuke is willing to bet a significant sum of money on him being drunk enough to be this animated.

He tunes into the conversation for a second, stepping next to Shikamaru, who's lazily gesturing with a half-empty beer can and an unlit cigarette. Sasuke knows he won't have to remind the brunet not to smoke inside, so he lets it pass.

"...so anyway, that's why the Eiffel Tower is shorter in the winter." Shikamaru finishes an explanation, to which Sai nods with glimmering eyes. 

Sasuke reconsiders ever wanting to be part of this conversation, because he knows how Shikamaru gets when he drinks, and there's only one word to describe it: insufferable. He has a wealth of knowledge, certainly, but usually his brain-to-mouth filter is functional enough to keep him from blurting out random facts about the randomest things.

Over in the corner, there's a wild tangle of hair and limbs, and Sasuke doesn't even have to take a second look to know who it is. Someone shouts "get a room" over the music and the general din, and (predictably) that does little to separate the two grad students in the corner. They either morphed into one sentient being with too much hair and too many limbs, or they are already having sex over there - with Kotetsu and Izumo, it's always hard to tell.

Sasuke just wants to know how to snog someone with such fervour as Kotetsu is doing while still having his nose bandaged.

(Skating accident, he tells people, but Sasuke's ninety percent certain it's actually Sakura's handiwork. Not that he'd ask her about it.)

 

At the dining table, a couple of other grad students are sitting together, and Sasuke plops down next to them for a moment's reprieve.

Kakashi looks up from his most recent trashy porn novel - _The Sin of Socrates_ , Sasuke reads, and wow, these things just get cornier every time - to offer Sasuke a wave. Gai immediately throws his arm around him, and Sasuke would call it drunken affection if he didn't know Gai was positivity and affection incarnate even on his bad days.

Yamato doesn't bother so much as to take a breath to look over to him as he continues ranting to the others.

Well, mostly to Gai, because Kakashi seems to be engrossed in whatever filth he's reading.

"...so, yeah, I'm just saying" Yamato continues. "The meat production is just ridiculous. Like, most of the methane gases in the atmosphere are literally the byproduct of our inexplicably large cattle herds. Did you know that? Huh? Did you?"

Kakashi gives a non-committal hum in response, likely only because he picked up on the fact that Yamato is waiting for some sort of a reply. Sasuke's noticed that most of Yamato's close friends have developed this mechanism for when he's overcome with the spirit of vegan activism.

"Ah, but my friend, we cannot stay strong and youthful in the absence of red meat!" Gai, the exercise buff seems to counter - seems to, because Yamato puffs up dangerously.

Sasuke hastily disentangles himself from Gai, and searches for safe haven. He is most empathically not going to be part of yet another rant about the meat industry. He just can't bear it.

Hinata is talking about poetry with a pretty pink blush colouring her cheeks, oddly animated compared to how withdrawn she usually is. Choji skids to a halt next to her with a slice of the greasiest pizza Sasuke's ever seen, from a shady pizza joint a couple of streets over. Sasuke knows the joint has already closed for the night - this is better left unprodded, he decides, and he tunes into what Hinata's saying.

Her original partner quickly abandons the conversation when he realises he is no match for Sasuke. This earns another haughty smirk, but he's trying to school his face into a neutral expression this time, because Hinata scolds him gently for scaring people away. Her eyes are laughing, though, so Sasuke doesn't take it to heart.

However, their conversation is cut short when Sasuke spots a suspiciously thin stream of what he hopes is water (but knows it's not) coming down from up high onto the flowerbeds. He shakes his head and heads up to the second floor, sighing.

Kiba is putting his dick away as he gets to the balcony.

Just where does Naruto meet these people? Honestly.

Just as Sasuke's preparing for what is sure to be an impressive speech, Lee's roar cuts through the chilly night air. He's apparently reenacting a Jet Li scene, and promptly goes overboard with the entire thing. His heel meets Kiba's kidney with an unpleasant squelch, and the momentum of the kick is too much for Kiba.  He goes tumbling over the railing with a startled yelp that quickly turns into a scream.

At this point, Sasuke just hopes his mother's lilies are going to survive this night.

Lee's shouting hasty excuses about how the power of youth cannot be contained as he goes tumbling down the stairs to make sure Kiba's all right.

Sasuke now knows his mother's lilies will in fact not survive the night.

Asuma lets out a chuckle and with it a puff of smoke from where he's leaning against the railing of the balcony.

"T'least they didn't ask me for one" he says. "People should buy their own if they wanna smoke, man" he says, and puts out his cigarette. In the ashtray, but likely only because Sasuke's standing right there.

Sasuke doesn't know what to say - they're acquaintances at best, and he really doesn't know how it is that Naruto's friends with everyone - so he just hums somewhat agreeably, and turns to go back inside.

Downstairs, Kurenai, one of the psychology majors is trying to convince Kiba to quit it and go home. Kiba, however, is not someone to back down in the face of a challenge, and clearly, clearly the way Naruto's yelling and partying is a challenge. Sasuke is never hosting a party again.

Kiba doesn't get off the already-beer-stained couch, so he's counting that as a win. Akamaru - Kiba's dog that he insists must be with him at all times - hops onto the cushions next to him, and Kiba promptly lists over to snuggle the animal. Since the threat of rampant destruction has lessened somewhat, Sasuke beats a hasty retreat and goes to find Naruto.

 

A bad decision, a very bad decision indeed, because the blond is currently dragging the kitchen trashcan through the door and into the garden. Sasuke thinks it's probably because said trashcan is currently on fire, but he can't be a hundred percent certain. With Naruto, you can never be a hundred percent certain of anything.

As for how - or better yet, why - they lit the goddamned bin on fire, there's no explanation, but soon, a ring of people forms around it, chanting.

It starts to look like some sort of occult ritual, Sasuke notices, and the bottle of rosé he drank earlier is starting to lose its effects. He opts to fill one of Mikoto's watering cans from the garden tap, and goes over to put the fire out when Naruto kicks the damned thing, and whoops, the flowerbeds caught fire.

As if there hadn't been enough damage done to them already.

(They put it out. Naruto sacrifices his jacket and Mikoto's watering can is a little singed by the end of it, but they put it out.)

 

Back inside, what appears to be a small horde of undergrad girls is swirling around Neji, who seems entirely oblivious to the starry-eyed glances they give him. He must have drank a lot, because the usually solemn and regal expression is nowhere to be seen, traded for a dreamy glint in his eyes and... a flower crown on his head? He's gently swaying from one foot to the other, and occasionally, he steadies himself on a girl's shoulder. Sasuke has to fight the urge to laugh (because, well, not all of the rosé has worn off yet) when Neji remains oblivious to the fact the girl he's using as a crutch almost fainted when he touched her.

A very similar thing is happening in the living room, where there's a small army of greasy, wanna-be undergrad boys swarming around Ino - the starkest difference is, though, that Ino is doing it on purpose, clearly enjoying the spotlight. Sasuke knows she won't follow through on any of the lewd glances and comments, because he knows Ino. She's enjoying herself, though, and Sasuke seems no harm done (if you don't count a couple of bruised male egos) so he lets it be, and continues back toward the kitchen.

He spots Shino, one of the biology majors in the corner, hugging one of Fugaku's award-winning bonsai trees. It seems as though he's in deep conversation with the poor bonsai, so Sasuke doesn't particularly feel the need to stop and bother him.

At the dining table, Yamato is snoring face-down (finally, Sasuke breathes a sigh of relief), and Kakashi occasionally reaches over to pat his friend on the shoulder. Gai looks miserable, and murmurs something that sounds suspiciously like "I'm too old for this".

 

Sasuke decides to call it a night.

Honestly, the flowerbeds have seen enough damage tonight, not to mention the rest of the house.

He makes a round towards the downstairs bathroom, almost immediately wishing he hadn't. There is a line, a very long line of angry women, and Sakura and that weightlifting champion - Tsunade, if he remembers correctly - are both leaving the bathroom with an air of vindication.

Sasuke doesn't quite need to look in there to know what is happening, but he does anyways for the sheer fun of it.

Umino Iruka, one of the TAs is standing next to the toilet itself, with a spectacular blush on his face as he tries (and fails) to placate the horde of fuming women waiting in line to dunk Jiraiya's head into the toilet bowl.

It's a common enough occurence that Sasuke leaves it alone with a warning that he's ending the party soon.

He's not one to shit on other people's fun, after all.

 

 

 

(When Mikoto and Fugaku get home, they do so to a house perfectly tidy. Mikoto doesn't make a comment about the ruined flowerbeds, but a couple of days later, Sasuke notices she's planted her new lilies into the singed watering can.

Fugaku thinks he was the one to accidentally break off a branch of his bonsai, and Sasuke wisely doesn't correct him. He's pretty sure Shino still has that lone branch somewhere.)

**Author's Note:**

> Sasuke's a rosé bitch, fight me  
> the book Kakashi's reading ( _The Sin of Socrates_ ) is real, written by Larry Melman, and it's every bit as glorious and trashy as you think. i own a copy and hands down it was the best purchase of my life.


End file.
